What I wish I could tell you … is that the biggest hurt in my life right now is that we have been trying unsuccessfully for over a year to get pregnant. I wish you could know that the biggest desire of my heart is to be a mother and to experience an element of love that I can only imagine right now, and to think that God does not have this desire for my life is a pain beyond expression. I wish that in saying this, SOMEONE would know how I feel and share honest emotions with me. I know that I am not alone, but I am alone in my circle of relationships.
Would you tell me that God still has the best in mind for me? Would you tell me that His love is all that I need? Would you tell me that I can find my only true source of satisfaction in life in HIM? These things are true, and I know them, but I somehow have not been able to let them penetrate my soul in a way that takes away the pain.
I wish I could tell you that your comments, while well-meaning (I hope), just drive a little dagger into my heart. When you ask just how long we’re going to wait to start a family, or if we EVER want to have kids, or say things like, “you’ll understand when you’re a mother” … these things hurt.
I wish I could tell you that every baby shower or birthday party I go to, every picture of your precious baby, every glowing report of the next milestone they have passed, while I truly AM happy for you … if I was honest … I’m also a little jealous. And I seriously wish that that wasn’t true, but I am human.
I just wish that this didn’t cause me embarrassment. That I could let everyone around me know of the pain in my heart without feeling drowned in pity. I wish that I could say it straight when the topic comes up, rather than inching around the truth to try and appear normal when I feel anything but. I thank God for my loving, understanding husband, but how would my life be different if I could tell you this?